Being an Alcoholic

Honestly, it’s not as easy any more these days. What do we define as being an alcoholic? I heard somewhere that if you have any more than 3 drinks on a night of “drinking” then you’re it! I call bullshit. If that were the case then all my friends are alcoholics.

I got curious and really wanted to know how you would define an alcoholic, so I took this little test. You basically answer yes or no to these questions and tally it up at the end. So here we go:

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
   No. I haven’t had a drink at work in weeks!
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
   No. On the contrary, it makes my home life so much happier. Drinking at home is now limitless! With the exception of throwing empty bottles on the ground.
3. Do you ever drink because you are shy with other people?
   No. I’m not shy with anyone. Although I will say yes to this question if the “other people” were blood sucking vampires. If anyone were surrounded by vampires, I’m pretty sure they’d want a drink or two.
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
   Yes. I’m 1000x cooler than when I was sober and in highschool.
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
   Yes. Who hasn’t? Who has ever gone drinking to make GOOD decisions?
6. Have you ever gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
   Yes. I’ll say I had to wait another week before I could buy a new TV because of a weekend of debauchery.
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
   No. I don’t hang out with ugly people nor do I party underwater.
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
   No. Unless I’m playing drinking games with my family. Then I try to drink them under the table and hope they pass out or yak before me. It’s all part of the game baby.
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
   Negatory. My ambition reaches an all time high! “Dude, I can totally pick that chick up while stuttering and twitching my left arm.”
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
    Yes. That time would be: “drinky time.”
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
    No. Too painful.
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
    No. Drinking has enhanced my ability to sleep.
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
    Fuck. I may have underperformed ONCE. But I still finished. So I still say No to this question.
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
    Nope. It can only help it. Who wants to party with a coworker who doesn’t drink? I sure don’t.
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
    Yes. See question 3.
16. Do you drink alone?
    No.
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
    HAHAH YES! Sorry. This is a survey. I apologize.
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
    Physician?
19. Do you drink to build up your self confidence?
    No. I drink to build up my tolerance.
20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
    No.

This is what the bottom of the survey had to say:

If you answered yes to ONE of the above questions you may be an alcoholic.

If you answered yes to TWO of the above questions, you are an alcoholic.

If you answered yes to THREE or more of the above questions, you definitly are an alcoholic.

There you have it. I’m an alcoholic. No wait–I definitely am an alcoholic.

Twenty years ago I guess you’d be truly unique as an alcoholic. But I swear everyone and their dog is an alcoholic. Have you seen the lineups at the bar in clubs downtown? Exactly. Everyone wants to get their drink on because they’re not afraid of making bad decisions, but they are potentially afraid of getting their blood sucked by vampires.